I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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