i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
