i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
