I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize