It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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