Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
