My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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