I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
