I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I want to fling myself into the sun
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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