how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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