who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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