Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
