matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
