Betty ford says i'm here all night
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
