The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Randomize
