I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
