I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
