I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
