I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
