Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You pole danced in your parka.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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