so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
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