My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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