I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
