ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
