i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
