I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
