Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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