the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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