happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
