That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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