As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize