i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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