she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
