why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
