Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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