I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
