no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
