yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
