Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
