imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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