sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
