dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
