It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
