Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Woke up backwards on a recliner
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
