you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You ruined the universe
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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