Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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