Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
