This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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