3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
