I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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