God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
