We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
