My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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