good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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