Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
