Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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