Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
