I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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