Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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