can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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