I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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