Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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