Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
