Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
