I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
