she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
