my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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