answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I need a burrito and a hug.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
