When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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