while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
