I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
