I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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