I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
