Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
