Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
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